


Joel's Summer

by CatrionaMac



Series: Cover Me Up [7]
Category: The Last of Us
Genre: F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-10
Updated: 2015-09-15
Packaged: 2018-04-13 23:00:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4540710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatrionaMac/pseuds/CatrionaMac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A retelling of the summer section of Cover Me Up from Joel's point of view. You can read this without reading the main story first, but it will make much more sense if you do it the other way around.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

The first time Joel saw _Raiders of the Lost Ark_ was at Bobby Watson’s tenth birthday party, and the movie made a deep impression on all the boys there. They had spent the rest of the afternoon trying to make a length of tired hemp rope crack like a bullwhip and digging holes in the Watsons’ back yard, and when Joel got home and his amused mother told him there was an entire trilogy of movies, he’d been over the moon. There was no party for his birthday a few weeks later, but she had scraped together the money to buy him used VHS copies of all three movies, along with a beat up fedora. His request for a real 12-foot bullwhip fell on deaf ears. 

And that was how the summer of 1994 became the summer of Indiana Jones. Every morning after Joel fixed himself and Tommy bowls of Cheerios, they would troop into the dingy living room and crank up the window A/C unit so that it created a frigid pocket of air in the close, oppressive heat of the dilapidated old house, and Joel would pop one of the tapes into the VCR. They always watched them in order, one every morning, and every third day they’d start over again. Five-year-old Tommy liked _Temple of Doom_ the best—he’d giggle his head off every time he saw the chilled monkey brains—but Joel’s favorite was _Raiders_. When the movie was over, they would carefully reset the A/C to its normal 80 degrees, then Joel would don his fedora and Tommy would wrap himself in a bedsheet, and they’d spend the rest of the day as Indy and Sallah, dodging Nazis (the Munson brothers) and searching for treasure in the empty field behind their house.

This state of affairs continued until the day Tommy stumbled across the corner of a concrete slab ten feet behind their house. The brothers spent the day unearthing the contours of a rectangular pad, their excitement mounting as they tried to decide if it was the remains of an ancient city or maybe the top of an underground structure. 

Joel would never forget the expression of amused alarm on his mother’s face when she came home and saw what they’d done, and he sure as hell would never forget his father’s heavy hand later that night, wailing the living tar out of him for excavating the septic tank cover. 

The tapes and hat disappeared after that, and they were told in no uncertain terms that their days of playing archaeologist were finished. 

All of this flashed through Joel’s mind in an instant when Tommy said, an excited gleam in his eye, “We dug up the entire Indiana Jones trilogy for the midsummer festival this year.”

“Huh,” Joel grunted. He could almost smell the dusty summer sun, and the acrid reek from the mountain of crushed beer cans in the trashcan in their old backyard.

Tommy guffawed, rolling his eyes in exasperation. “That’s it? Just, ‘huh?’ Jesus, Joel.” He ran his hand through his long hair, a move Joel knew he’d practiced in the mirror as a teenager, one that was calculated to leave him looking adorably mussed and vulnerable. Funny that Tommy had never lost that particular habit. 

“I hope you ain’t gonna inflict Crystal Skull on these people. They got enough to worry about, what with dodgin’ infected and all.” Joel crossed his arms over his chest stiffly, uncomfortable with the rush of memories. He could feel a bubble of emotion swelling in his chest and he fought it down, keeping his face impassive while he waged the familiar war inside himself. 

Tommy laughed like he’d just made the most hilarious joke on the planet, his face open and readable as ever. “No worries there, brother. Has Ellie ever seen ‘em?” 

 _I bet Ellie will love those movies just as much as I did._ It wasn’t until that thought battled its way into his head that Joel realized the emotion he was fighting down was excitement. He couldn’t wait for Ellie to see Indiana Jones. He finally relaxed and smiled. “No. I don’t believe she has.” He laughed. “Girl’s in for a treat.” 

Tommy clapped him on the shoulder. “Well, I better get to my gate duty.”

“Yeah, see you.” Joel smile faded and he frowned to himself as he pointed himself toward home and Ellie. Maybe this’ll fix things between us, he thought. Ever since that night, the night he’d come home after spring planting and almost kissed her, she’d been different with him.

And who could blame her? The second his lips had touched hers he’d gotten hard like a goddamned teenager, a biological truth she couldn’t possibly have missed, and if that wasn’t bad enough, when he’d finally fallen asleep he’d been tormented by dreams of her naked, lithe body in bed next to him. He’d woken up the next morning rigid as a fence post and thanked his good luck that she’d decided to sleep in her own room for the night. 

He’d barely opened his eyes when the tiny knock came at the door.

“Joel? Are you up?”

Ellie. He’d jumped out of bed all in a panic and covered the telltale evidence of his erection with a pillow. “Yeah, I’m up, baby girl,” he’d called out to her. Christ, was he up. 

And that was when the shame had really set in. This was Ellie. He was her protector, her friend. Not just that, Ellie was his entire universe. He’d murdered a whole battalion of Fireflies just to keep her safe, and he’d kill anyone who even tried to touch her in a way she didn’t want. He’d never, _never_ thought of her like that before, and the fact that he could, that he had, made him want to tear his own eyes out. He’d have to make damn sure that wouldn’t ever happen again. 

The door handle had rattled as it started to turn.

“Ellie!” he’d barked, too sharply. “Jesus, girl! I ain’t dressed. You gotta stop bargin’ into my room whenever the fuck you feel like it!”

“Oh. I’m sorry, Joel. I thought…” She’d paused there without finishing her sentence, for which Joel had been grateful, even though the distress in her voice made him wince. “I’ll get breakfast going, alright?”

“Yeah. I’ll be right down.” He’d splashed some cold water on himself and cleaned up some, then headed down to share a stilted breakfast with her where she barely said a word and he could barely look her in the eye.

That had been back in spring, and for the past few months Ellie had been jumpy as a newborn colt around him, laughing too loudly or too quickly in a nervous way that made his chest ache. By unspoken agreement, she’d stopped crawling into bed with him on the rough nights, so he listened impotently to the fearful moans and cries of her nightmares and did nothing, even though he wanted to comfort her with every fiber of his being. He hated the change in their routine and hated it more because he’d caused it. I was obvious that she’d noticed his involuntary reaction; he could tell by the way she wouldn’t quite meet his eyes anymore, and by the way she kept one eye on his crotch, as if she was preparing to take flight as soon as any movement was spotted. 

The real hell of it was, despite his best efforts over the last few months, that realization of Ellie as a grown woman hadn’t gone away. If anything, it was exacerbated by the increasingly skimpy outfits the girl had been sporting as the weather warmed up. Adding desire to the already tangled mess of his feelings for her was almost more than he could bear, and it shattered the hard-won peace of mind he’d achieved here in Jackson. 

He knew what some people whispered about them, but he’d always ignored the rumors because they were so laughably false. As if he’d ever lay a finger on Ellie. Now every day was a torment because he knew, given half an opportunity, he would prove himself the monster they said he was. It was only his iron willpower coupled with years of self denial that saw him through, and every night he congratulated himself on making it through another day without causing irreparable harm to the one person who meant anything to him. He couldn’t bear the thought of life without Ellie, and he knew if he touched her he would lose her. That simple knowledge was more than enough to help him keep his demons at bay. Even so, he thanked whatever powers there were that Ellie had stopped sleeping in his bed, because his sleeping mind betrayed him almost nightly and there was no way in hell he could have hidden it from her. 

It also helped that Ellie had taken to teasing him, and not in a fun way. She was always reminding him of his age with biting remarks, making him feel it even more than he usually did. Her every word these days was full of acid, and each one stung. 

Joel sighed deeply and knuckled a speck of dust out of his eye. Maybe she was just getting tired of him. It was bound to happen someday. She was twenty now, she should be looking at making her own friends and moving on, not taking care of his broken-down carcass. 

He could smell burned food when he opened the door to the house. “Ellie?” 

There was a clatter of dishes from the kitchen, and he followed the sound. He found Maria there at the sink, helping Ellie clean up. A mess of cinders that had once been a couple of birds--ducks, maybe--had been dumped into the compost can, and Ellie was scrubbing a blackened roasting pan, her eyes reddened and her shoulders slumped in defeat. 

At the sight of him, her eyes filled with tears again. “Damn it!” She dropped the pan into the sink and ran from the room while Joel swallowed the lump in his throat. 

He turned to follow her, but Maria’s hand on his arm stopped him. “She’s just frustrated. Let her have a few minutes. She thought she’d have it all cleaned up before you got home.”

Joel turned and surveyed the wreckage of the kitchen. “Another cooking disaster?”

“Another cooking disaster,” Maria agreed. She paused like she was going to say something more, then gave her head a little shake. “There’s a casserole in the oven. Take it out in thirty minutes, and you’re good to go.”

Joel grimaced. “I can’t keep lettin’ you give us food, Maria.”

“Don’t worry about it, this one was all made in-house.” She hesitated again. “Joel...it’s none of my business, but Ellie told me how you lectured her about wasting food the last time this happened. I’m not saying we should be throwing anything away, but she’s been killing herself hunting small game on her own time ever since. She’s barely getting any sleep. The community has plenty right now, and your freezer is full enough for her to experiment a little, okay? Go easy on her.”

Joel leaned back against the counter in surprise. He hadn't realized Ellie had taken his words so much to heart. "Yeah, I'll...I won't mention it. Just leave all that Maria. I'll finish cleanin' up here. Thanks for the casserole."

Maria wiped her hands on a dingy kitchen towel and fixed him with a laser stare. Joel felt uncomfortably like he was being skewered. "A word of advice, Joel. She's not a little girl anymore. You need to stop treating her like one."

Joel felt an ugly flush creep up his neck. His whole problem right now was that she suddenly wasn't a kid anymore. If he treated her like a woman, he'd be far too tempted to...to…

“That ain’t any of your business, Maria,” he said, anger seeping into his voice, as hard as he tried to hide it. 

Maria’s eyes went icy and she took a deep breath through her nose. “Fine.” She held up her hands. “I’ll let myself out.”

Joel pinched the bridge of his nose as she brushed past him and walked down the hallway to their front door. He knew he should apologize. He just needed to say her name and call her back. The door slammed behind her.

“Fuck.” The empty hallway didn’t answer him. His anger drained out of him and left him feeling tired and old. Every damn joint in his body ached as he climbed the stairs and he hesitated so long in front of Ellie’s bedroom door that he was taken completely off guard when she threw the door open herself and was suddenly standing six inches in front of him, her green eyes blazing. 

“Stop lurking, Joel. I can hear you breathing out here. It’s fucking creepy.” She turned her back on him and flung herself onto her bed with a moody sigh.

Creepy. The word sent a dart of pain through his chest. He tried to ignore the way her shorts were hiked up, revealing a long expanse of naked white leg, or the way her lower lip stuck out when she pouted like this. He sure as hell tried to ignore the slight curve of her tiny breast as it strained against her thin t-shirt, and he definitely did not at all see the outline of her hard nipple right in the center of that curve. His jaw twitched. Why couldn’t the girl wear a goddamn bra once in a while?

And why had he only started noticing since that thrice-damned kiss? Almost kiss. That kiss had just been an accident anyway. He’d been aiming for her cheek, it wasn’t her fault that her head wasn’t in the right place at the right time. Didn’t matter, it wasn’t going to happen again. Joel recited the starting lineup for the 2012 Houston Astros in his head until his dick decided to act its age again. It was only then that he realized Ellie had asked him a question. “What?”

“Oh, great. Now you’re going deaf on me.” Ellie sat up on the bed and hugged her knees to her chest, mercifully concealing the outline of her breasts. “I said, I’m sorry about wasting food again. It was an accident.”

She looked so unhappy that Joel’s chest ached, and all he wanted to do was put his arms around her and apologize for being so...himself. Instead, he leaned against the doorway and crossed his arms over his chest. “I heard you the first time,” he lied. “What I meant was why are you apologizin’ to me? You’re the one spendin’ all your free time huntin’ up game. You reckon another cookin’ experiment was worth the time it took you to bag those ducks?”

She grimaced, her distress palpable. “It would have been, if it had turned out edible,” she mumbled. 

The knot of tension inside him loosened as the not-kiss and everything that had come after was shoved to the side. Right now Ellie was upset, and she needed him. He sat down beside her and carefully put one arm around her shoulders. “Baby girl, our freezer has enough meat for two winters, and the community kitchen is just as well off. I ain’t sayin’ you should start throwin’ food away, but nobody’s gonna go hungry here if you wanna try makin’ another meal.”

She looked up at him, biting her lower lip uncertainly.

He squeezed her shoulder. “Except maybe me.”

Ellie punched his arm, but she was smiling. “Dick.”

That smile was worth the punch, and for the first time he noticed how her smile made the corners of her green eyes crinkle up and changed her entire face. They sat in silence like that for a long moment while Joel searched for the words he needed to say to her. _I’m sorry I gave you such a hard time about it last time. How hard is that to say, Joel?_ The apology wouldn’t cross his lips. Instead, he said, “So, uh. Ran into Tommy on the way home. He told me they’re showin’ the Indiana Jones trilogy for the midsummer festival.” 

“Oh?” She peeked up at him from under veiled lashes. “Are they good?”

He cracked a genuine smile, feeling for a brief second all the tension that had built up between them dissipate. “Yeah, I loved Indiana Jones when I was a kid.”

"What, way back in the twentieth century? How old are you again, like a hundred?"

She was joking, he knew she was, but there was still a hard edge to it. A joke that wasn’t really a joke. He dropped his arm from her shoulder like he’d been scalded. When he stood up, he felt every vertebrae in his back creak. “Hilarious,” he growled. Four months ago he would have jokingly threatened to turn her over his knee and spank her, but that was before he’d almost kissed her, before he’d started dreaming about her naked with such shocking regularity. He couldn’t tease her like that anymore. One word and she’d know how much he wanted her, and that was a secret he was determined to take to his grave. He needed her too much to hurt her like that.  

“Oh, come on, Joel. I was just teasing you. I know you’re only eighty-five.” She bounced up from the bed, but despite her light tone of voice, there was an inexplicably manic, desperate edge to her smile. 

He crossed his arms over his chest. “You done?”

That weird smile fell and her head drooped moodily. “Probably,” she mumbled. “Jeez. Learn how to take a joke.”

“I think Maria’s casserole should be just about done,” he said as he turned around. His stomach was roiling but his demeanor was stoic and calm, an emotional fallback he knew she hated, but it wasn’t safe to do anything else. He’d never been a demonstrative man, but these past five years living with Ellie in Jackson had worn the edges off his surliness and he’d found himself smiling more in his unguarded moments with her than he ever had in the past twenty-five years. But now it was impossible to be unguarded, not while he was having these feelings for her, and he missed their days of easy banter like a phantom limb. He had to find some way to get over this. He knew even as the thought crossed his mind that it was a futile one. There was no way out for him, he was well and truly fucked. 

“Yeah, okay.” Her moodiness was back in full force. She levered herself off her bed and stretched like a cat, forcing Joel to look away from the toned ripple of muscle across her stomach. 

He did a quick about-face and padded barefoot down the stairs and into the kitchen, where he took the casserole out of the oven and set it to cool on the counter. It was a simple one made with rice and greens and chicken, with a bubbling crust of cheese on top, and it smelled delicious. 

Ellie pulled out plates from the cupboard in silence, which was a state so unusual for her that Joel wanted to punch a wall. He was responsible for this, for her silence. And there was no way for him to fix it. 

It wasn’t until after they had both served themselves helpings of casserole and sat down to eat that she finally spoke again, and when she did the artificial levity in her voice almost made him wince. “So, the midsummer festival. I had to move a few things around, but it looks like I can be your date again this year.”

It was the kind of innocuous comment they’d made to each other all the time six months ago, but things were different now. He forced a smile. “Date. Right.”

“Oh, come on, Joel. You know you like it when I’m your arm cake. Not as many people talk about how tragically single you are.”

“Arm candy. And I’m not the only tragically single person sittin’ at this table.”

Ellie’s face colored. “Cake is superior to candy and you’re remembering it wrong, obviously,” she said loftily, ignoring his other comment. 

Joel laughed, the knots in his stomach loosening again, just a tiny bit. “You’re probably right. Arm cake it is.”

“Chocolate arm cake.” She smiled winsomely at him, twirling a lock of her red hair around a slender finger. 

“Why chocolate?” 

“Because it’s your favorite.” Her smile froze and there was a flicker of what he could’ve sworn was panic in her wide, green eyes. His guard slammed back into place at the speed of light, and her next words came in a rush, tripping over themselves on their way out of her mouth. “Because I figure since you can’t get a real date, you know, you should at least have arm cake you like, as, like, a consolation prize or something so you’re not too bummed out about how you don’t have a real girlfriend or anything because you’re like a million years old…” She snapped her jaw shut and, if anything, looked even more panicked.

“Ellie…” he started slowly. How could he reassure her that nothing like that kiss, or his reaction to it, it wouldn’t happen again? He couldn’t bear another night of this forced conversation, couldn’t bear the fear he saw in her eyes. 

The seven o’clock church bell rang, making both of them jump. 

“Oh, shit.” She leapt up from the table, leaving her supper half-finished. “I’ve got to get to the wall, I’m going to be late for my shift.”

She didn’t meet his eyes as she shouldered her backpack and rifle. She was moving so fast that he thought she was going to scoot out of there without even saying goodbye, but she stopped at the door and fixed her eyes on him again. She took a deep breath and said, in a much calmer voice, “So, yeah. I’ll be your date and stuff. Whatever. It’s no big deal.”

“Well, I got a few women I could ask if you wanna make other plans,” he said, trying to give her an out. 

Her eyes went flat and she shrugged. “Up to you. Like I said, it’s no big deal.” She went out the door and slammed it behind her, harder than was strictly necessary, leaving Joel with a mountain of confusion and two plates of half-eaten casserole. 

* * *

Jesus. What was taking her so long? Joel paced a circle at the bottom of the stairs. Tonight was the first night of the midsummer festival, and _Raiders of the Lost Ark_ would be kicking off the festivities. “Ellie! Hurry up! We’re gonna miss the beginning of the movie!” 

“I said I was coming!” Her voice floated down the stairs to him, more than a little annoyance in her tone. 

Joel sighed deeply. Over the past few weeks they’d settled into an uneasy detente; Ellie had laid off her sarcastic remarks for the most part, and he’d tried to be less stoic and standoffish. There was still a buzz of tension between them, but he was starting to think that may just be their new normal and maybe he’d have to get used to it. 

“Ellie!” He wanted her to see _Raiders_ , wanted her to see her face when she saw it for the first time. And he wanted to see it again too. “It’s Indiana Jones!”

“Sorry, I couldn’t decide which gun to bring…”

He heard her feet on the stairs and turned around to complain about how long she’d taken but the words died in his throat when he saw her.

Where the fuck had she gotten that shirt? Joel had never seen it before. It was dark blue, spangled with silver stars, and it was made of a slithery fabric that clung to her diminutive curves in a way that made his mouth go dry when he saw her in it. He swallowed hard as she breezed past him. Holy fuck…where was the rest of it? The shirt dipped down in back almost to her waist, with only a couple flimsy ties crossing the white expanse of her back. It was more skin than he’d ever seen her show, and it meant she wasn’t wearing a bra again.

“Gah,” he said intelligently as he stared at her naked back and her shapely hips, encased in a tight pair of jeans. Desperate to distract himself, he tried remembering which years the Dallas Cowboys won the superbowl, but the numbers wouldn’t come. All he could see was Ellie. 

At the end of the hallway, she spun and faced him again, a mysterious smile on her face. “Are you coming or not? Indiana Jones?” 

“Yeah.” Joel shook himself like a dog and finally followed her down the hallway, his heart settling somewhere near the pit of his stomach when he realized that Ellie wouldn’t be wearing a shirt like that for no reason. 

She was trying to impress somebody. 

* * *

_The Raiders of the Lost Ark_ was playing on the movie screen, but all of Joel's attention was focused on the tiny girl slouching in the chair next to him. She was close, not touching him, but close enough that he felt the heat of her body radiating through his clothes. It was distracting. He felt too hot, and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat, moving a fraction of an inch away from her. 

He looked down at her, and looked immediately away again. She definitely wasn't wearing a bra. He could clearly see the outlines of her nipples poking through the thin fabric, even in the dim light from the movie projector.

Christ on a fucking bike. For the first time, it struck Joel how beautiful Ellie was. They’d lived together for so long that he rarely really looked at her, but how could he have missed it? It made him want to bundle her up in a coat and take her home immediately. It made him wish he’d brought his baseball bat, to fight off all the men and women who'd be swarming her at the dance. It made him want to kiss her.

No. Joel blinked. The memory of kissing the corner of Ellie's mouth had popped into his head. Again. Ever since it had happened, that fucking memory had been ambushing him at the least opportune moments. It had just been a fucking accident that happened months ago, and he still couldn't forget the way his heart had pounded in his chest or the way his erection had created an embarrassing tent in the thin sweatpants he'd been wearing. Considering that the last time he'd had sex with anything other than his own hand had been back in Boston, and that was over six years ago now, it was no wonder he'd reacted the way he did, but still. 

He scowled and moved farther away from her. He thought he’d finally gotten a handle on that fucking memory. Where the fuck had it come from? The last thing he should be thinking of was kissing Ellie. Especially when she was dressed like that. Her lips had been so soft…

Fuck. He shifted in his chair again, because now his jeans felt too tight. He should not be having thoughts like this. He tried to concentrate on the movie again, but found his eyes being drawn to her face, pensive in the flickering lights of the movie screen.

He saw Ellie's eyes wander around the room again. She wasn't paying any attention to the movie, he could tell. Even when she was facing the screen, her eyes were veiled and far away, and there was a little frown of concentration between her eyebrows that meant her mind was on other things. 

Maybe she was planning on meeting someone special at the dance tonight? And maybe that's why she'd been so weirdly on edge and snarky around him lately? Because she was, what? Preparing him for when she’d leave? 

Joel was surprised by a bright flare of anger, which he tamped down immediately. No. Ellie would have told him if she was...if she had feelings for someone.

Half his ass was hanging off his chair, but there was no way he was going to scoot back over, not with the way she was still leaning toward him, that adorable little frown still drawing her brows together. He wanted to lean down and kiss her forehead, to see if he could make that frown go away. 

No. He did not want to do that. That was not at all what he wanted. What the fuck. 

On the screen, Marion screamed as she was pushed into a pit full of snakes. Suddenly, Ellie had his left hand in a death grip, and she was leaning into him with a completely uncharacteristic clinginess. Joel almost fell off his chair. He could feel her nipple burning into his arm like it was a fucking branding iron.

He looked down in alarm, ready to disentangle himself, and was surprised to see the unguarded anxiety in her eyes. She needed him. It helped him uncoil enough to say, "You okay, baby girl?"

She whispered into his ear, "Yeah, snakes just freak me out." 

Her hot breath on his neck almost undid him. Snakes? Oh. Right. The movie. Snakes. He took a deep breath and grunted, settling himself squarely back into his chair again, a sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach. He could feel his heartbeat speed up as she leaned into him, and with a horrible lurch, he realized that could no longer ignore the undeniable attraction he was feeling for her. 

 _This is so many ways of fucked up, I can’t even count them,_ Joel thought. I gotta get my head on right. _I gotta get out of here, before I do something stupid._  

But he just sat like that for the rest of the movie with her, clenching his jaw and holding his body rigid while Ellie melted into his shoulder. The only movement he allowed himself was to brush his thumb gently over her knuckles, and that only because he couldn't seem to help himself. 

He needed to put a stop to this right fucking now, before...before he kissed her again, and this time on purpose. No. Except that wasn’t going to happen. That would never happen. She was dressed to impress someone here, and he needed to respect that and give her the room she needed to add someone else to her life, if that was what she wanted. The thought of losing even a tiny bit of Ellie’s affection to someone else made his stomach churn with anger, and he could taste his shame in the back of his throat like bitter bile. He shouldn’t need her this much, damn it. But he didn’t move. He held on to her hand, and he let her rest her head on his shoulder, and he stroked her knuckles with his thumb. He wanted to just sit here in the dark with her like this forever.

When the lights came on at the end of the movie, Joel dropped Ellie’s hand like it had burned him. He knew instinctively that no-one should see him holding her hand like that; as innocent a gesture as it was, surely the electric tension in his body at her touch would be palpable to even a casual observer. He stood up and said, clearing his throat to cover his nervousness, “C’mon. You wanna help me with the chairs?”

Ellie looked up at him in confusion and said, “What?”

“I said c’mon,” he repeated. “They gotta put the chairs up for the dance.”

She didn’t move, just looked around the room, her forehead creased in that same cute little frown that made Joel want to kiss it. She looked like she was in a daze. 

“You feelin’ all right, Ellie?” Joel said, starting to feel concerned.

She shook herself and stood up. “Yeah...yes. Good movie, huh?”

He grinned. By his reckoning, she hadn’t watched a second of that movie, but she was going to try and brazen it out with him. “Still good,” he said, deciding to have a little fun with her. “But the part about the alien invasion is my favorite.”

She nodded. “Oh, yeah. Me too. That was the best.”

Joel snorted. “I knew you weren’t watching it. You’ve been so distracted lately.” And I think I finally know why, he added to himself. His throat grew tight, but he added, “Well...whoever you wore that shirt for tonight, I hope they’re here to appreciate how good you look.” He suppressed the completely inappropriate stab of jealousy and congratulated himself on complimenting Ellie without sounding like a dirty old man. 

Her eyes widened in surprise. She obviously hadn’t expected him to figure out that she had a crush on someone. “I...yeah, I guess he’s here tonight,” she muttered. 

It was one thing to suspect that Ellie might be developing feelings for someone, but another thing entirely to have his suspicions confirmed. He felt like he'd been punched in the gut, but he said, lightly, “My god, I was right. I knew something was up with you.” He shook his head and clutched at his heart. “You’re all grown up, baby girl. I guess it was just a matter of time before someone else came along and took you off my hands. Who’s the lucky guy?” 

For some reason, Ellie looked desperately unhappy. “Joel…”

Before she could continue, Joel heard his name being called from across the room. It was Christina. Joel sighed. The woman had been dropping increasingly obvious innuendos Joel’s direction almost since they’d come here. She’d been widowed not too long after they arrived, and she made no bones about the fact that she’d like Joel to become Mister number two. For all that she had a good heart and was a hell of a baker, Joel had never been able to develop an interest in Christina, or anyone else, really; he saw now that once Ellie had wormed her way into his life, there just hadn’t been room for anyone else. The fact that Ellie maybe had room for someone else in her life now both made him happy for her and hurt like a son of a bitch.

Joel nodded hello as Christina approached. He really didn’t think he encouraged her, but the woman was determined. “Well, now, doesn’t Ellie look nice tonight?” she said, her eyes brushing warmly over Ellie, but saving her brightest smile for Joel. 

“Yeah, I’ve been thinking of starting a sex trade business, and I’m trying out my new look,” Ellie said. 

Jesus. Joel winced as Christina’s smile froze. Ellie had no fucking idea what it had been like for women who lived through the outbreak. Hunters didn’t always kill the women they caught. Joel knew from experience. He didn’t know Christina’s past, but that was the kind of thing that shouldn’t be joked about.

Before Joel could articulate any of that, Christina said, “Your little girl sure is a handful, Joel. I don’t know how you manage all on your own.” Joel recognized this for what it was: another attempt to insinuate that Ellie needed a mother figure, although at twenty, surely the time for that was past. 

He resented the implication that he wasn’t enough for Ellie, that his care was somehow incomplete without a second parent, just as much as he always did, and he was about to tell her as much when Ellie said, “He only spanks me when I’ve been really bad.”

God damn it. Joel gripped Ellie’s shoulder and angrily marched her away from Christina. What the fuck was she thinking, even making a joke about him spanking her? Didn’t she understand how that sounded? What fucking bug had crawled up her ass lately? “Ellie, the woman was only trying to be nice to you,” he said, through gritted teeth. 

“Ow, Joel, fucking let go of me!” she yelled. Through his anger, Joel realized that people were turning to stare at them, and he let Ellie shake off his grip. Christ. He took a deep breath, while Ellie continued, in a lower voice, “And she was not trying to be nice to me, she was trying to be nice to you.”

Joel closed his eyes and felt all the recent tension between them coming to a head. He was angry with her, but not about Christina. The thought of losing Ellie to someone else hurt like a bad tooth, and so he found himself lashing out and saying to her, “Don’t you think that would be a nice change for me? For once?”

It hurt her. He saw that immediately, and he wished he could take back the words as soon as he’d said them. “Fuck you, Joel,” she said, her eyes hard and angry.

“Ellie…”

She turned her back on him and said, “I’m getting a beer. Have fun with Christina.” And then she was gone, swallowed up by the crowd.

Joel thought about going after her, but he felt Christina’s hand on his shoulder. “Joel, sorry. I didn’t mean to cause any trouble between you two.”

“No, it’s not…” He shook his head. He didn’t want to explain what was going on with him and Ellie. He didn’t even know himself. Instead, he looked down at Christina. She was pretty, and only a few years younger than him. Maybe it was time he started trying to carve out some space in his own heart for someone besides Ellie. At least that way it would hurt less when she inevitably moved on with her life.

With an effort, he locked away his confused feelings for Ellie and smiled down at the blonde. “Christina, I don’t think you ever told me where you were from, originally. Somewhere in the South, am I right?”

Her eyes lit up, and Joel tried not to feel like an too much of an asshole. He wasn't leading her on, damn it, he was making a genuine effort here. “Georgia, born and raised. My daddy worked for Coca Cola there in Atlanta.”

Joel laughed. “Oh, man. What I wouldn’t give for just one Coke now. Nectar of the gods.”

She sighed. “You got that right.” She was quiet for a second, and Joel realized he’d committed the cardinal sin between old timers: bringing up memories of things they’d lost. He kicked himself mentally.

Awkwardly, to break the silence, he said, “I’m from Texas.”

Christina smiled wryly and touched his arm. “I figured that’s why some people called you Texas.” She had a nice smile. It brought a light into her blue eyes, and Joel found himself thinking that he could do worse than to get involved with Christina. 

He shrugged and laughed. “Yeah, I guess so.” 

A Bob Wills song came on, San Antonio Rose, and it brought back memories of nights spent drinking Lone Star beer with Tommy and dancing the night away with their dates at the Broken Spoke in Austin. And there was Tommy, leading Maria around the dance floor, their eyes fixed on each other like there was nobody else in the room. He could see the love and attraction between them with every touch and gesture; it looked like they’d sizzle to the touch. 

Joel thought of Ellie.

Damn it, damn it, damn it. Joel cursed his traitorous mind. With a concentrated effort, he pushed her out of his thoughts again. 

Still looking at Tommy and Maria, he leaned down and whispered in Christina’s ear, “Well, looks like somebody’s getting lucky tonight.”

She giggled and looked up at him, her eyes glowing, and Joel kicked himself again. You fucking idiot, she thought you meant her. To cover his discomfort, he stepped back and held his hand out to Christina. “You know how to two-step?”

She took his hand with a grin. “I do.”

As Joel fitted his hand into the small of her back and whirled her around the floor to the old song, he thought, I guess I could get used to this. He very deliberately did not think of Ellie. And when the Bob Wills song ended and Take My Breath Away started up, he pulled Christina closer and put his arms around her and told the part of his brain that was saying she smelled all wrong to go fuck off. Just because she didn’t smell like Ellie didn’t mean she was all wrong. Right?

It was nice. Nice to hold a woman in his arms and pretend for a second that life was normal. Christina was soft and warm, and she leaned into his shoulder in a way that Joel only vaguely remembered enjoying from life before the CBI outbreak. It was nice. 

Ellie wasn’t nice. Ellie was a lightning bolt that went straight through his heart.

As if conjured by his thought, Ellie appeared on the dance floor a few couples over with Sanjay. Joel had always liked the quiet man, but seeing Sanjay with his arms around Ellie, his Ellie, raised Joel’s hackles and made him want to growl.

“You’re a really good dancer,” Christina said, her head still on his shoulder. 

“Thanks,” Joel muttered. Sanjay’s hand wandered up onto Ellie’s naked back, and Joel’s whole body tensed up. He stopped moving completely.

Christina looked up at him, her eyes dreamy, and said, “Makes me feel like getting carried away.” She closed her eyes and turned her face up to him. 

Oh, Christ, she wants me to kiss her. Joel felt a pang of guilt. Christina was obviously getting a lot more out of this dance than he was. He pressed her to him and started swaying back and forth to the music again, to avoid her invitation. He felt like his mind was boiling over. 

And that was when he saw Sanjay lean forward and kiss Ellie on the lips.

Sanjay. Sanjay must be who Ellie had gotten all dressed up for tonight. He’d noticed the way Sanjay’s eyes always followed Ellie, and Ellie must have finally noticed too.

The edges of Joel’s vision went white, and then the next thing he knew, he was practically dragging Christina off the dance floor by the wrist into a secluded corner of the big room and pressing her up against the wood-paneled wall to kiss her. 

No. It was wrong. God damn it, it was all wrong. Christina’s lips were full and willing, and her hair smelled like flowers, and her curves fit Joel in all the right places, and it all just felt so wrong that he had to stop. He stepped back from her and dropped his hands to his side.

“What’s wrong?” Her chest was heaving. Joel looked away from the view it presented.

“I...I’m worried about Ellie.” He searched the dance floor for the couple, but he couldn’t find them. “I think she’s got a little thing starting with Sanjay, but I don’t think he’s right for her.”

“Sanjay? And Ellie?” The degree of disbelief in Christina’s voice surprised Joel. “Oh, no, I agree with you. I mean, Sanjay is pretty nice, but they should really stick to their own kind.”

And just like that, he was done with Christina. Joel couldn’t believe what he’d just heard. “I meant I think Sanjay is too quiet and too old for Ellie,” he said. _And let’s just let that little hypocrisy go,_ he thought. “I didn’t mean he was too black for her. And you do realize that Sanjay is the only Indian here in Jackson? Who the fuck do you think he’s going to be with, if he sticks to his own kind?”

Christina got a defensive look on her face. “I just meant that Ellie…”

Joel interrupted her, his voice hot. “Ellie has more sense in her little finger than you’ll ever have in your entire body. If she wants Sanjay, that’s just fucking fine with me.” It wasn’t really, but it would be eventually, he was sure. 

She crossed her arms over her chest, and he finally saw a spark of the fire that had seen her through the outbreak. “I don’t have to listen to anybody talk to me that way. So you can just go fuck yourself, Joel Miller. Have a nice life.” She stalked off angrily through the crowd.

Joel’s head ached. He needed some air, and he needed to figure out what to do with these feelings he was having for Ellie before he did something stupid, like act on them. 

He headed out to the back patio in hopes that the cool night air would bring some clarity. 

He’d barely opened the door when he heard Ellie’s shout, and he pushed through the gathered crowd to find her on the ground, sitting on top of one of the dam engineers, punching the living daylights out of him. 

Her face was twisted with so much pain and rage that Joel stopped dead in his tracks. An image of her in a similar position, but covered in blood and wreathed in flames, seared through his mind before he could stop it, and it was only when he heard the man on the ground yell, “Someone get this crazy bitch off of me!” that he moved again, grabbing Ellie around the waist and dragging her off the man. 

She fought him for every inch, until he finally said, “Ellie, be still.” At the sound of his voice she went as limp as a kitten in his arms. As much as Joel wanted to hold on to her, he set her gently down on her own two feet and gave her a quick inspection for injuries. She didn’t seem hurt, but she was shaking like a leaf from head to toe, and she leaned into where the palms of his hands pressed against her shoulderblades.

“Does someone want to tell me what the fuck is happening here?” Maria pushed herself through the crowd of onlookers, her voice hard as ice. Sanjay was right behind her, hovering anxiously behind her shoulder. 

Ellie turned around and backed up against Joel’s body, pressing herself into his chest. He maintained a firm grip on her shoulders. _I gotcha, baby girl._

Joel had been so focused on the part of the fight he’d seen, he only now realized there’d been more men involved. One was tipping his head back, trying to stanch the flow of blood from an obviously broken nose. A third man knelt to the side, clutching his stomach. Joel’s jaw twitched. Three on one? These fuckers were damn lucky Maria had showed up when she did. 

“Little bitch just jumped us for no fucking reason, Maria! She’s out of control,” the man with the broken nose said. 

Ellie exploded into action again, lunging for the man while Joel barely managed to restrain her with an arm around her waist. “You fucking asshole! Why don’t you tell Maria about the fucking pool you fuckers were talking about!” Her face twisted in agony as she started to sob. “You have one for the first guy to fuck me, too? How much is that up to, Sanjay?”

Ellie’s words focused Joel’s ire and he narrowed his eyes at the other man, whose dark skin had gone gray with stress. Sanjay gulped as Joel glared at him murderously. “Ellie, I didn’t…”

“You don’t get to talk to her, you piece of shit.” The words were a growl from deep in his chest, and they shook with rage. Joel’s fists flexed involuntarily as red fury washed over him. If Maria hadn’t been standing right there, he would have snapped every single one of their necks for what they’d done, and Sanjay would be first in line.

Her cool hand on his arm was enough to restrain him, but just barely. “Let’s all just calm down here. Sanjay, is Ellie telling the truth? Are you assholes betting on who gets into her pants first?” Maria maintained a firm pressure on Joel’s forearm as a new wave of anger surged through him. 

Sanjay looked miserable. “Yeah, there’s a pool. But, Ellie, I swear to god…”

If Ellie hadn’t chosen that moment to spin around and bury her face in his chest, it might have been Sanjay’s last night on earth, Maria or no. But Ellie’s broken sobs penetrated the muscular fog of Joel’s rage and the fact that she needed him, right then, forced him to shift his concentration to comforting her instead of hurting the people who’d hurt her. There would be time enough for that later. 

Now, Ellie needed him. 

He pressed her gently against his chest, still glaring balefully over her shaking head at the three men she’d beaten, and goddamn Sanjay, who’d been Ellie’s friend. Maria was shouting at them, but he didn’t even listen to what she was saying. Whatever punishment she meted out, it wouldn’t be enough to make up for the hurt he’d seen in Ellie’s eyes when Sanjay confirmed the betting pool and his own participation in it.  

But for now, he led Ellie away from the crowd of people, over to the other side of the patio, where an overgrown jumble of brushy trees formed a private alcove, away from prying eyes. He would give Ellie a chance to compose herself, and then they could head home. They'd skip the feast tonight; he wasn’t hungry, and he doubted she’d want to spend a second longer around all these people, once she got her emotions under control.

He tucked a knuckle under her chin and gently tipped her face up. “Hey, baby girl. You all right?” 

A spasm of pain crossed her face before she gave him a watery sigh. “I’m fine.” Her eyes fixed on his, swollen from crying and impossibly green, her lashes wet and spiky with tears. “You should go find Christina again.”

“Christina?” He’d kissed her. And it had felt all wrong. Joel backed up a step, suddenly unable to trust himself this close to Ellie. “Nah, that’s okay. I don’t think she’s speakin’ to me, anyway.” 

Ellie rolled her eyes at him, in a ghost of her usual good humor. “Jesus, Joel, what did you do?”

“Oh,” he scrubbed his hand through his beard, unconsciously wiping Christina’s kiss from his lips. He gave Ellie a brief recap of his conversation with Christina, leaving out the kiss. Ellie didn’t need to know about that.

Ellie’s smile was bitter and she looked like she was going to reply, but then she gasped and tears welled in her eyes again, spilling out onto her pale cheeks. The strains of a familiar song floated over the patio from inside; it was one he’d learned just before the outbreak, and one of the songs he’d played for Ellie over and over when Tommy had found him the beat up old acoustic guitar their first year in Jackson. She closed her eyes like she was in pain. 

At a loss, Joel slipped his arm around her waist and pulled her close again. “Ellie, please don’t cry.” He brushed at the tears on her cheeks with his knuckles, then uncurled his fist as she leaned into it to rub her cheek on his palm. She moved her lips and kissed the base of his thumb.

It was the tiniest of movements, but it changed everything. 

The air between them was suddenly charged with electricity and they both froze in place for a moment, Ellie’s eyes downcast and her breath hot and harsh against his palm.

Joel moved his other hand upward, as if in a dream, until his fingers found the soft skin of her bare back. He should stop. He should stop and back away and cut his own fucking heart out. He stroked his fingertips across her spine and she shivered in his arms. 

Oh, god. No. 

“Ellie…” he murmured. His whole body was shaking with the effort of maintaining control. He needed to stop before he was no longer able to. Before he did something that would break them for good.

“Yes,” she sighed into his hand, lowering her eyelids.

He leaned down and pressed his lips to her forehead. That was fine. That was all right. Safe. 

Tears still squeezed out from the corners of her closed eyes. He kissed one eye, then the other, tasting the bitter salt of her tears as she gasped and pressed her body closer to his. 

The fact that she was warm and willing in his arms did nothing to assuage his guilt. 

Just two more kisses, and then he’d stop. He left lingering kisses on her cheeks, going slowly because once this moment was over he’d have to go live as a hermit in a cave on the mountain or something. But her lips were just below her cheeks, and so close…

God _damn_ it. No. He wasn’t going to do it, no matter how his body screamed at him for it. He fought with himself, so close to her upturned face and parted, wet lips that he could feel her breath on his cheek. 

In the end it was Ellie who bridged the gap between them, her eyes sliding open to hold his as she tilted her chin up and pressed her lips to his. 

Joel froze in shock and panic, knowing he should put an end to this right now, but not able to move away from her soft lips, scorching his mouth and dragging him straight into hell. 

He wanted her so much it hurt.

When he felt the tip of her tongue caress the curve of his upper lip, he gave in. The hands he’d placed on her shoulders to push her away from him drew her closer instead, and with a long, shaking breath, he opened his mouth to her and slid his tongue along hers into a deep lover’s kiss that went on for an eternity. He vaguely felt her arms twining around his neck as she pulled his head down and claimed his lips fiercely, her passion impossibly mirroring his. 

Joel’s heart was pounding fit to burst out of his chest when he turned his head aside and lay his forehead against Ellie’s in a vain attempt to inject reason into what was happening. This would change everything and he needed to stop it. “Fuck, Ellie…”

“Joel.” She turned his head back toward her and kissed him hungrily, leaving him dazed. “Take me home, right fucking now.”

Her words had an electric effect on his body, but he held himself in check, barely daring to hope she meant what he thought she meant. He searched her green eyes, limpid with her own desire, and swallowed hard. He hadn’t forgotten that she’d been planning to leave with someone else tonight. “What about whoever you wore this shirt for?” He kept his voice measured to conceal the maelstrom in his chest. 

Her eyes darkened as she laughed breathlessly and when she kissed him again her teeth nipped playfully at his lower lip. It made him shake with desire. “It’s you. Of course it’s you, you fucking idiot.”

It was like those old Magic Eye posters: a stereogram that was a bright splash of chaos until you squinted your eyes just right, and then it resolved into amazing three-dimensional detail. In a rush, Joel understood that Ellie hadn’t been uncomfortable with him these past few months, she’d been trying her best to flirt with him all this time. She just hadn’t been very good at it, and he’d been so fucking afraid of hurting her that he’d missed it entirely. 

He could feel an unfamiliar emotion welling up in him as she punctuated her next sentence with kisses. “Now. Take. Me. Home.”

God, it was filling his chest and making him feel like he was wearing a necktie that was tied too tight. What the hell was it? 

He figured it out when he looked down into her face, so open, trusting, and utterly bewitching. 

Joy.

He smiled like he hadn’t smiled in years, knowing how foolish this was and too happy to care. He nodded and said, “Yes, ma’am.”

 


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joel wants the lemon, but he's conflicted about the lemon. He doesn't think he's good enough to make lemonade with Ellie, but fortunately she has enough faith for both of them. This is basically all lemon, so enjoy!

Joel was as giddy as a teenager as he walked back to the house, his arm low around Ellie’s waist with his hand resting lightly on the bare skin at the small of her back. He highly approved of this shirt she was wearing and its low-cut back and all the skin it exposed, especially now that he knew she’d worn it for him and not for someone else. He could barely believe what he was doing, what they were heading back to do. This was _Ellie_. His Ellie. He loved her, wasn’t that a fucking kick in the head? And right now he wanted her so much he couldn’t think straight. 

The gentle glide of her small hand across his shoulders and down his spine made his stomach lurch pleasantly as they passed a couple of stragglers heading the other way. “Evenin’,” he said, amazed at how calm and even his voice sounded, when he could feel the heat of Ellie’s body burning next to him like a torch in the darkness.  

_I shouldn’t be touching her like this. Not in public, at least. Not at all, probably._ His hands wouldn’t mind him. He curled his fingers and ran them teasingly up her side, underneath the wonderful shirt, until the hard ridges of her ribs gave way to the silken softness of her breast. When she shivered and giggled throatily, it was all Joel could do to stop himself from reaching further around and cupping that tantalizing breast for the first time right here on the street. 

He growled deep in his throat. Fuck, he needed to kiss her again. Needed it more than air. His fevered gaze found the entrance to a darkened alley not far up the block. “C’mon,” he said, trailing his hand to her waist and propelling her gently but insistently toward the darkness. The instant they were hidden from the street his desperation took over and he found himself pushing her urgently against the wall and capturing her lips with his again. The memory of kissing Christina and how wrong it had felt flashed through his mind, but this time it was right because it was Ellie’s lips under his, Ellie’s intoxicating scent filling his nostrils, Ellie kissing him back with a passion that left him breathless. 

He left her sweet mouth reluctantly, tempted by the smooth skin of her jaw and neck. When her throat vibrated with a low moan under his lips, he shuddered and drew back, muttering thickly, “Jesus fuck, Ellie. You keep making noises like that, and I may not make it home.” It was true. The pressure in his jeans was almost unbearable and he was so drunk with lust for her that he barely felt in control of his own body. 

She gave him a sultry smile, one he’d never seen before but immediately promised himself he’d see again. “You better try, old man. I’m not going to let my first time be a quickie up against the wall.”

It was like being doused in icewater. Joel stepped back from her, his heart thudding dangerously in his chest. Her first time, Jesus. Her first time. With a man, anyway. Joel closed his eyes. 

He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t let her…not with him. He was too fucking old for her, that was an easy fact. But he’d treated Ellie like a daughter for years, and overstepping that boundary felt like the worst thing he’d ever thought about doing, in all his long career of doing terrible things. He had not ever been attracted to much younger women. What the fuck was he even thinking? 

He’d been broken a long time ago, and the things he’d done in his life…the only way to live with them was to try to forget them. How Ellie, after everything they’d been through, had maintained her hopeful cheerfulness was an utter mystery to Joel, but he knew he clung to it like it was the only source of light in his world. He couldn’t destroy her innocence like this. She was far too good to be taken advantage of by the likes of _him_.  

“Ellie, baby g—“ He stopped himself. No. He couldn’t call her baby girl. Not anymore. He’d called Sarah that. The thought of kissing Sarah the way he’d kissed Ellie made him feel sick. “Baby.” He tried the word out cautiously, and when it didn’t result in a violent reaction in his gut, he continued. “I probably shouldn’t…” He stopped. No. Why was he being so fucking wishy-washy? _We can’t do this. I won’t. Say that, Joel._ “Are you sure you don’t want your first time to be with someone…a little more your own age?” Fuck. Not at all what he meant, but he begged her with longing eyes to understand him anyway, 

She didn’t. She studied his face in silence, her surprise clear on her face. “Joel,” she said finally, “do you love me?”

A fist clenched around his heart. How could she ask him that right now? He closed his eyes again, unable to meet the laser intensity in her gaze. “You know I do Ellie. But I—“

“Then shut up and listen to me.” The ferocity in her voice made him open his eyes again. She was trembling as she spoke. “You may be old as fuck, but I want you, Joel. You. There is no other man on the fucking planet I would choose. You’re my whole world. There _is_ no one else for me.”

Each sentence was like a hammer to his last crumbling line of defenses. It was like she was reading the words directly from his own soul. Then she said, “But if you don’t feel the same way about me…”

And that last wall came crashing down. 

Joel kissed her with a ferocious passion that made her moan again. His beard almost hid the tiny smile on his face when he said, “I’m gonna spank you for calling me old as fuck.” 

He was only semi-serious, but she gasped and bit his lower lip, murmuring “Fuck, yes” against his mouth. Joel filed her reaction to the mention of spanking away for later, there would be plenty of time for that. For now, his entire focus narrowed down to getting Ellie back home. 

The half mile between that alley and their front door seemed to stretch into eternity, but somehow they made it. He fumbled with the key in the lock, but not too badly, considering how unsteady his hands were, and once the door was locked behind them he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her hungrily. 

“Upstairs.” Her voice was just a harsh whisper against his lips, but the thrill of the word and all it entailed made his whole body tremble with need. _Take me upstairs. Take me to bed._  

He let his hands roam over her body freely, gently directing her toward the stairs and his bedroom while he caressed her shoulders and the pert backside concealed by the tight jeans she wore. Ellie’s lips were parted and she was breathing heavily, giving tiny gasps as his fingers found new places to explore. He bent down to kiss her neck again, just to feel the way her moan thrummed beneath his lips, as he reached back to undo the tied ribbons across the naked expanse of her back. The first one came undone with a whisper of fabric, but the second had become knotted. He grunted in frustration as he tried to pick at the delicate ribbon with his blunt fingertips. 

“Just break it,” Ellie breathed. 

It was one of the most erotic things a woman had ever said to him, that she was so impatient with desire that she wanted him to literally rip her clothes off. Without hesitation, he took hold and pulled, ripping the tie from where it was anchored on the shirt with satisfying ease. 

A monster roared inside him and the violence of his own desire made him feel sick to his stomach. He needed to get a lid on himself now, she was so much smaller than he was he was afraid he’d accidentally hurt her. Taking a deep breath, he stepped back from her and consciously dropped his hands. “Take it off for me.” 

It was a command, not a request, the kind of thing Ellie would normally bristle at, but now she drew the shirt off over her head without hesitation and threw it across the room. 

Joel’s breath caught in his throat. Jesus, she was perfect. All those months of tantalizing glimpses hadn’t prepared him for the creamy whiteness of her flat belly under the adorable peppering of freckles on her shoulders and chest, or the large, dark pink nipples that graced her small breasts. She stood awkwardly, her arms crossed in front of her, and Joel realized with a pang that she was trying to cover up the old bite scar on her forearm.

He wrapped his hands around her fragile wristbones and gently pulled her arms apart. The bite was a mass of white scar tissue on her right forearm, and he rarely saw it. Ellie was careful to keep it covered with long sleeves or wrapped with bandanas, even on the hottest of days, even though everyone in town knew. He hated that she was so self-conscious about it.

“Ellie, you’re perfect.” God, she was. But he could tell she didn’t believe it. He leaned down and tasted the warm skin of her right shoulder, and then ran his tongue slowly down her arm to the scar, deliberately tracing the outlines of the bumpy mass of tissue even as she tried to pull her arm away. “This,” he held her wrist in a firm grip and kissed the scar, “brought you to me. Don’t feel like you have to hide it. Not from me.” He stood up again and looked intently into her eyes. “Okay?”

The depth of trust in her eyes when she nodded shone like a light, and Joel had to look away, unable to bear the weight of her faith in him.

The monster in his chest coiled up on itself again, restless, but he had years of experience keeping that demon under control. He was going to make this perfect for her. She deserved no less. 

Sliding his hands from her shoulderblades to her waist, he bent low to gently suck one of her hard nipples into his mouth. Her answering moan was a delicious reward, as she arched her back and pressed herself against his eager mouth. His fingers dipped into the waistband of her jeans, tracing her skin under the edge of the cloth, and he smiled as they encountered the warm metal and smooth wood of the revolver handle at the small of her back. 

He straightened up again and stepped back, trying to suppress a grin. “You wanna disarm for me, darlin’?” 

That momentarily broke the thread of desperate tension between them and she laughed, a genuine giggle that brought his grin out of hiding. God, he’d missed hearing her laugh like that. “For a while there I thought I was going to have to use this to get you into bed.” Her cheeks dimpled as she set the gun down on his dresser. 

He’d been so oblivious. “I bet you coulda taken me,” he said with an almost apologetic snort. 

“You _know_ I can.” The challenge in her eyes gave her words a double meaning that made Joel’s desire surge again, ending the brief moment of levity. 

He drew his shirt off over his head, needing to feel her naked skin on his, but before he could  reach for her again he was arrested by the bright swell of tears in her eyes as she stared as his chest. 

He looked down, suddenly self-conscious about his own scarred hide.

“Oh…” She burst into motion and threw her arms around him. As her tears fell on his chest and she kissed and traced every scar, he realized with a sense of wonder that she was actually weeping with empathy at the sight of his many war wounds. 

She saw how damaged he was, and she loved him even more because of it. For a crazy moment, Joel wanted to tell her every awful thing he’d ever done, every horror that he had ever survived, so she could see his invisible wounds as clearly as the ones on his skin, but the moment passed. Not even Ellie would be able to love that. 

“My girl,” he breathed. He felt suddenly shaky and it was all he could do to hold on to her. 

He swallowed hard as her exploration of his scars brought her to her knees in front of him, to kiss the ugly, twisted scar on his abdomen, physical proof of the lengths to which she’d gone to keep him alive that first, terrible winter they’d spent together. The sight of her there made his cock throb painfully in the constrictive jeans, but he had enough presence of mind to catch her hands as they went to unbutton him. It was too soon, her eyes were still too nervous and wide. He needed to relax her a hell of a lot more before they got to that. 

“Not yet.” He raised her to her feet again and kissed her, keeping his mouth slow and gentle on her lips, until he felt her body relax and go pliant in his arms. 

The tiny noise of protest in her throat as he broke the kiss and stepped back from her brought a smile to his lips. 

“Take off your jeans. Let me see you, Ellie.” He didn’t miss the flash of anxiety in her heavy-lidded eyes, or the way her throat worked to swallow her nervousness. He tipped her face up until she was looking into his eyes again. “You’re perfect. Don’t be afraid.” 

She was still scared, he could tell by the way she nodded and swallowed again, but she unbuttoned her jeans anyway, pushing them down over her hips with economical grace to bunch around her ankles as she stepped out of jeans, shoes, and socks.

She stood before him, naked, her eyes downcast and her lower lip between her teeth. 

Joel could barely speak. “Christ,” he whispered. She raised her face and watched as his eyes feasted greedily on her nakedness. Her body was slender and compact, firm with lean muscle that shifted under glowing white skin. Her face and shoulders were sprinkled with tiny constellations of brown freckles, but her belly, hips, and legs were smooth and unmarred, save the bloody scrape on her right knee. The sight of the blood against her pale skin made his stomach twist in anger, remembering how it had gotten there. 

“Do you have any idea…” She didn’t know how beautiful she was. How could she not _know_? His voice cracked, his throat suddenly dry. He felt a tightening in his chest, a combination of desire and love and terror. In all his many years since the outbreak, he couldn’t remember feeling more afraid than he did in that moment. It wasn’t the  adrenaline-fueled fear of fighting for your life, it was more profound and more personal than that, and it made him want to slam every door in his heart and seal them shut with concrete and barbed wire to protect her. To protect himself. 

“Please tell me what you’re thinking.” Ellie’s voice, shaking with anxiety, brought him back to the moment, and he knew he wouldn’t run, not when doing so would destroy her so utterly. He’d made his choice, and there was no going back now. He just hoped she’d forgive him someday.

Joel pulled her into a crushing embrace, unable to tell her verbally just how much he loved her, how lost he would be without her. “Just didn’t know…” he whispered hoarsely into her shoulder, “…I didn’t know I could want anything so much.” It wasn’t exactly what he meant, but it was enough. He felt her relax in his arms as she breathed a warm sigh of relief. 

First things first. Joel kissed the top of her head and lowered her gently to the bed. “Don’t move,” he said quietly as he moved into the bathroom with long strides. 

He didn’t want to be away from her for even a second, but his need to take care of her trumped his desire for the moment. He poured cool water from the pitcher by the sink into the stainless steel bowl he used to wash himself in the morning and opened the cupboard to get out the box of medical supplies. They were almost out of rubbing alcohol, he’d have to find some more, and where the fuck was the gauze? The little tube of antibiotic ointment was almost full, that had been a great find…

Frustrated, Joel dumped the entire box into the sink and pawed through the contents until he found the package of gauze pads. There were only two of the paper packets left in the box, he’d have to ask Doc for more, if there was any. He added a washcloth and a roll of gauze bandage to his pile, then gathered it all up and returned to the bedroom where Ellie waited. 

She lay where he’d left her, her eyes closed and her lips curved into a tiny smile. One small hand rested on her flat stomach, and its quick, shallow movement was the only indication Joel had that she was not completely relaxed. 

He knelt at the foot of the bed, setting down his supplies and wetting the washcloth in the basin. Ellie’s sigh as he gripped her ankle was almost distracting enough to derail him entirely, but he took a deep breath, squeezed the washcloth out and gently sponged the dried blood from her shin. 

She gasped and jerked her leg as the cold cloth touched her skin, but Joel held her steady until she recovered from the shock. “You didn’t tell me you were hurt.” He grinned as her suddenly splayed legs treated him to an absolutely delicious view of her exposed pussy. “Let me clean you up, baby.” He could feel the pressure in his jeans as his cock hardened again. 

“You should have seen the other guys,” she said. She closed her knees again, depriving Joel of that tempting view. 

He laughed. “Believe me, I did. Remind me to always stay on your good side.”

His fingers were steady and sure as he cleaned her scrape with alcohol, smeared the ointment over it, and then covered the whole thing with gauze. When he was done, he climbed up onto the bed and kissed her bandaged knee. “There.” 

He hadn’t forgotten the glimpse he’d gotten of her beautiful sex, now concealed between her clasped thighs. Her gasp as he kissed her other knee encouraged him to move higher, kissing first her right thigh, then her left, moving his tongue in slow circles on her her smooth skin. The smell of her arousal as he drew closer to her center was intoxicating, as were the tiny moans she made in her throat. He needed to taste her. 

He leaned in, his face only inches from the thick vee of curly red hair that covered her pubic bone, and inhaled the musky, womanly scent of her. Joel had never understood why women before the outbreak had pruned and shaved their pubic hair so much. The one time he’d been confronted by a smoothly waxed pudenda he’d lost his erection completely; the sight reminded him too much of the five-year-old daughter he’d left at home playing video games with her Uncle Tommy and was more effective than a cold shower in killing the mood. A twenty-five year old woman ought not look like a little girl, he’d thought. 

But Ellie was decidedly not a little girl. Not anymore. She’d grown into womanhood under his very eyes and he hadn’t even noticed. Not until she’d decided to clobber him over the head with it, anyway. He was both touched and horrified that she’d chosen him to take her all the way there, and he was determined to make this, her first time, as memorable as he possibly could. 

God, he wanted to taste her. He wanted to feel her squirming under his mouth. He wanted to feel her pussy clenching around his fingers, his cock. He wanted to fuck her and make her come a hundred times. He wanted to fuck her right into the floor, he wanted to make love to her. He wanted her more than he’d ever wanted another woman in his entire life, and here she was on the bed beneath him, just waiting for him. Wanting him. 

His stomach trembled with need as he nudged her knees apart so he could crawl between her legs. He watched avidly as the cleft between her legs opened again. God. God. She was perfect. Her labia glistened with moisture, plump and swollen with arousal above the tiny, dark hole of her sex. 

Joel shuddered. “Ellie.” Oh, fuck. He was going to do this. It was actually happening. As if in a dream, he reached out and gently parted the slick flesh with his fingers to find the hood of her engorged clit. And then he lowered his mouth to her. 

The touch of his lips was electric; Ellie arched up against him and cried out. 

Oh, _fuck_ , she tasted so fucking good. He explored her with his mouth, eagerly lapping up her juices. They were sweet and tangy, and he never wanted to stop tasting them. He sucked her lips into his mouth, he fucked her tiny hole with his tongue, he circled her hard clit and fluttered his tongue across it until he felt her thighs trembling next to his cheeks and her breath was coming in sobbing gasps, and then he flattened his tongue against her and slid one finger into the tight, grasping hole of her cunt. 

“Joel! Ohhhh god…Jooooooel…” Ellie bucked against his mouth like a wild animal, her fingers twined painfully in his hair. His finger was gripped by the powerful clenching of the first orgasm he’d ever give her. It would not be the last, he promised himself. 

He stayed with her clit until her felt her hips pull away, then he licked the last of the sweet cream of her orgasm from her pussy lips before kissing his way up her still-quaking body. He wiped a hand over his dripping beard, but it was still saturated with her moisture when he kissed her lips. He was already painfully hard, and the way her tongue darted out to taste the juices that were smeared on his face just made him harder. 

He collapsed onto the bed beside her, his heart thudding as Ellie’s breathing returned to normal. 

“Wow,” she finally said.

He laughed. “Now _that_ was fucking perfect.”

Ellie gave a joyful whoop that dissolved into helpless giggles. 

It was one of the best sounds Joel had ever heard. That laughter, more than anything, convinced him they were going to be okay. A final knot of tension he didn’t even realize he’d been holding relaxed just below his sternum and he found his belly shaking with laughter. Jesus, he was _happy_. Despite everything. This is what she did to him. “You all right there, darlin’?” he drawled. “You know, you’re awful cute when you giggle.”

Ellie screwed her eyes up and beat the mattress with her fists, shouting, “Oh my god, I can’t believe that just fucking happened!” She giggled loudly and turned her head to him. “Makes me want to…”

He knew she’d still be sensitive, that she was still coming down from her orgasm, but he couldn’t stop himself from touching her. Her sharp intake of breath as he trailed his fingers from her sternum to her pelvis was music to his ears, and the delicate shudder of her tiny body as he brushed the thick curls of pubic hair with his fingertips was something he wanted to make her do over and over. 

He propped himself up on his elbow with his free arm so he could watch her face. “Makes you want to what, baby?” he whispered. 

Lust flared in her eyes and she said, “Kiss you,” her voice hoarse with desire. She pulled his head down to hers with a surprising strength, given her small frame. Joel felt her tongue as she thrust it into his mouth and she moaned as he played with her pubic hair, sliding his fingers gently in and out of the folds of her slick pussy. Fuck, she was _wet_. He kissed her deeply as they panted into each other’s mouths, her mouth greedy under his and her body rising to the touch of his hand.

With slow reluctance, Joel dragged his fingers away from the warm wetness of her cunt. He was still wearing his jeans, but he wanted to feel her heat against his hard bulge, and god he needed to fuck her. He could feel his dick trying to take the reins and he mentally slapped it down. Not yet. Not until she was ready, damn it. But she was moaning so encouragingly that he moved between her open thighs again and propped himself up with both arms above her. The brush of her hard nipples against his bare chest inflamed his desire, and he kissed her ferociously, trying to let her know without words how much he wanted her. As his lips left hers and descended to her straining neck, he realized she was making a high, whining noise in the back of her throat and her small fist was beating hard against his shoulder. Her body was struggling underneath his.

Joel pulled his head back to look at her face. It was clenched into a rictus of fear, tears leaking from under her tightly closed eyelids. She was gasping for breath. What the fuck…

And then two words slipped from her pinched lips, breathless and weak, fearful and full of shame. Words that made his mind pulse red with murder and smoke and fire. Words that explained everything and shattered his desire.

“No. David.” Her breath rasped in her throat. 

Joel cursed and leapt up from the bed. Fuck. Fuck. He should have thought of that. He should have known. Ellie had never told him exactly what had happened to her that terrible winter, except to reassure him that she hadn’t been raped, but he’d heard enough of her nightmares to know that it had been a close thing. He flexed his fists impotently. If that fucking monster was here in front of him, he’d tear his fucking head off his body for even daring to _think_ about touching Ellie. 

She rolled into a sitting position, still shaking and gasping, her arms wrapped around herself. 

Joel wanted to hold her, but he couldn’t protect her from the demons in her own mind, and he was afraid to touch her now, afraid that he’d just trigger another nightmare for her. Instead, he sat down on the bed beside her, close enough for her to feel his warmth, but not quite touching. 

“S-s-s-sorry,” Ellie said, her teeth chattering.

Jesus Christ. She was apologizing? To him? Without thinking, Joel took her hand and kissed it. He was relieved when she didn’t pull away from his touch. “Don’t apologize, Ellie. I should’ve realized.” He swallowed and pressed his lips together grimly. “I wish to god I’d killed that fucking bastard before he ever touched you.”

That made her open her eyes in surprise. “How did you know that’s what—“

“You said his name,” he said shortly. He clenched his jaw. This had been a mistake, clearly. Ellie wasn’t ready for this, and he was the wrong man for the job, he saw that now. 

Joel’s mind went back to a frigid room in a dilapidated house, a man tied to a chair before him. He could feel the rage and desperation all over again as he’d made the man tell him where Ellie was; he could hear the heavy smack of his fist on flesh, hear the man’s scream when the knife went into his knee. _She’s David’s newest pet,_ the man had said. Joel had broken his fucking neck just for saying it. He closed his eyes as helpless rage gave way to deep shame. There hadn’t been much of David’s face left after Ellie’s savage and vengeful attack, but Joel had seen enough. David had been a man his own age, or close to it.

Dear god, what was he doing?

To his surprise, Ellie twisted her body to lean in and kiss him. 

He was too shocked to kiss her back. Her face was red and smeared with tears, and she was clenching her fists to keep them from shaking. He jaw was clenched too, set in a stubborn frown that he recognized only too well. _Oh, baby girl._

He felt sorrow seeping into his bones. Calling this off was the last thing he wanted to do, but it was the only thing he _could_ do. “Ellie,” he said gently. “I don’t think—“

She kissed him again, her lips and tongue angry against his. He could feel her tears on his face.

“Ellie!” He gripped her shoulders and pushed her roughly away, but not too far, holding her still but close. “Cut it out. You don’t have to—“

She evaded his grip and lunged for his face again, but Joel turned away and pressed his lips into a hard line. He wasn’t going to let her just pretend nothing had happened. He couldn’t. 

Her body sagged against his for a moment, and Joel felt a second of relief that she’d realized he was right after all. He should have known better. Without warning, she beat his chest with her small fist hard enough to bruise. He accepted her blows stoically and didn’t grab her wrist, though he could have. If this was what she needed…

“God damn it, Joel,” she sobbed. She was almost wild in his arms. “I need you to…” Her voice caught in her throat. “I _need_ you, Joel. Please.”

And that was when he finally understood. Ellie wasn’t trying to ignore her trauma just to make him happy. Exactly the opposite, in fact. She was trying to heal the wounds in her psyche, and she needed his help. He’d been so focused on his own need and how selfish it made him feel, he hadn’t considered that she might need something from him too. Jesus, he was an idiot. 

He reached for her, rubbing one big, warm hand up and down her back while he murmured soothing sounds in her ear. “Shhhh. It’s okay, baby girl. I gotcha.” Her breathing calmed down, her tears stopped, but she kept her eyes closed.

He held her like that until he felt her tense muscles relax, until her clenched jaw stopped twitching and her mouth once again curved into a tiny smile and her head tipped back against her shoulder, exposing her smooth neck. 

Joel dipped his head low to gently kiss the base of her neck, just where it joined her shoulder, and he was rewarded with a tiny sigh of approval. Encouraged, he traced a slow line with his lips up the column of her neck and over the sharp bones of her jaw, until he reached her lips. He kissed her slowly, completely undemanding, just tasting her mouth and letting her explore his. They’d tasted the wild abandon of their mutual desire already, but now it was more important to let her know she was safe and cherished. 

Loved.

Joel put his hands on her waist and pulled her up into his lap so she could feel his body against hers. More importantly, this gave her the advantage of height. In this position, her face was equal with his, if not slightly higher. 

As Ellie settled in and twined her arms around his neck, he murmured, “Ellie, we’ll go as slow as you need to, and anything makes you uncomfortable, you just tell me and I’ll stop, okay?” He kissed her shoulder. “You’re in control here.”

The smile on her face could have lit an entire town. She replied by kissing him eagerly, pressing her naked body against him as her mouth became more insistent, and his breath grew shorter. Fuck, he wanted her. The fact that she wanted him too was almost too incredible to believe, but here was the proof, in the way she ran her tiny hands over his biceps, the knowing way she wiggled her hips against his lap, just to feel the growing bulge in his jeans. 

“You’re wearing too many clothes.” Her voice, breathless with lust in his ear, made his heart thud like a hammer.

He let her pull him up off the bed and he didn’t stop her this time when her hands went to his waist. He watched, heart in his throat, as her slender fingers slipped the button of his jeans free.  She glanced up at him, a mischievous, teasing smile on her face. 

Oh, he was _so_ fucked.

He smiled at the exquisite torture as she lowered his zipper one click at a time, letting her see the effect her hands were having on him. The groan in his throat when she finally tugged his jeans and underwear down and his cock finally sprang free was utterly genuine. 

He wasn’t abnormally huge, but he’d done enough locker room comparisons back in high school to know he had nothing to be ashamed of. He looked down to find Ellie sitting back on her heels, looking up at him apprehensively. Shit, was his the first dick she’d seen? Up close and personal? He should have let her see him in his natural state first, not confronted her with this angry, pulsing erection right off the bat. 

She swallowed nervously. “Fuck, Joel. How does…”

He smiled soothingly. “Don’t worry, sweet pea. I ain’t never had any complaints.” He pulled her to her feet. Maybe she’d feel a little less nervous if he wasn’t pointing directly into her face like a goddamned directional sign.

She still looked nervous. 

Gentle, he needed to be gentle. Let her be in control. He mercilessly crushed the urge to throw her down on the bed and fuck her senseless. “Come here.” He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her toward him, gently guiding her with a hand on her hip so that she stood with her legs on either side of his knees, then tugged her hand until she clambered onto the bed, straddling his thighs.

They both gasped as her body settled down onto his, trapping his erect hardness between them. Ellie shuddered and moaned, rocking her hips to slide the slick flesh of her pussy against his shaft. God, it was so fucking good. 

Joel was breathless, the effort of controlling himself already starting to take its toll. He kissed her and made sure she was looking directly into his eyes when he said, “Remember, you are in control here. You understand?”

She nodded, but her eyes were cloudy with lust as she tilted her hips again, sliding her wet lips from base to tip of his rock-hard shaft. “Oh, god…”

Panting, Ellie raised herself above his lap. 

_This is it,_ Joel thought. _She wants this. She needs it. I need it. God, I need it so much._ With shaking fingers, he parted the slippery lips of Ellie’s cunt while she reached out and wrapped her small hand around the thick base of his cock. She directed the swollen head to the heated embrace of her tiny entrance. 

Joel held himself still while she pressed herself down, his body shaking with the strain. There was a mounting pressure, he was too big for her…too big, fuck…and then he felt the head of his cock slip inside her. 

Fucking…Jesus. God. He sucked in a huge breath to calm himself. 

“Oh…” She was breathless, but he could hear the pain in her voice and feel her muscles spasming around his head. He was hurting her. 

Joel felt a second of panic. He wanted to stay inside her more than anything he’d wanted in a long time. He felt for her clit with fumbling fingers and rubbed pleasure into her until her thighs stopped shaking and the tight circle of muscle at her entrance stopped squeezing him in a deathgrip. 

Ellie’s sighs turned into lustful moans. Her face held an expression of intense concentration as she bit her lip and let herself slide further down. Joel held his breath and held himself as still as his shuddering muscles would let him. 

Fuck. She’d never done this before. That meant…that meant…oh shit. Any second now he was going to rip through her fragile hymen, and he’d have to watch the pain of that tearing on her face, which was currently flushed and wanton, watching him avidly. Why was he only thinking of this now? But no, she was still slackening her thigh muscles and letting gravity do the rest of the work, his cock sliding home inside her tight, slippery heat, and the expected barrier never came. 

Her thighs touched his and he groaned involuntarily. He was buried to the hilt inside the squeezing wetness of her cunt—fuck, she was so tight—and Joel was so overwhelmed by the sensation he thought he might shatter to pieces. “Ellie…” It was the only word he was able to say. 

She closed her eyes in ecstasy. “Oh, fuck. Joel.” 

He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her. He knew he needed to give her twitching muscles time to relax around him, and he’d said she was in control, but he couldn’t stop the involuntary thrust of his hips to drive himself even farther inside her. She gasped into his mouth and kissed him harder, which Joel took as a cue to rock his hips gently, just barely moving inside her. Ellie threw her head back and moved with him, lengthening his strokes and increasing the friction for both of them. 

Joel’s desire was making him dizzy. He fought himself for control, but it had been so long, and he wanted her so much. He thrust up into her hard, clutching her tiny body tightly against his. “Ellie, your pussy is so…” He grunted with another deep thrust. “Fucking…” Another thrust, deeper this time, as she moaned in his arms. “Tight…” Her breathless squeal of pain at his last thrust cut through the haze of his arousal and he loosened his hold on her. Fucking…he’d hurt her. It had been too much. He froze, his breath sobbing in his chest. 

Ellie, unfazed, simply adjusted her hips so he couldn’t penetrate quite so deeply and took the lead, riding his cock and grinding her hips against him with a twist at the bottom of each thrust. She was mashing her own clit against his pubic bone, he realized, stimulating herself to another orgasm with him inside her. 

Joel held himself steady, not wanting to hurt her again or come before he could feel her clenching around him. He sweated with the effort as Ellie’s movements became looser and more wanton, her chest heaving with each gasping breath. Her head was still thrown back and a dark flush was rising up her chest. He lowered his head and sucked one of her dark-pink nipples into his mouth, suckling and teasing it with his tongue. 

Ellie bucked on top of him, letting her entire weight rest on the arm he had curled around her back. “Ohhhhh, fucking…oh, my god! Joel!” She sat up straight and clutched at his shoulders, burying her face in his sweaty neck, but didn’t stop riding him while her body spasmed around him in an orgasm so powerful he wasn’t sure he could keep moving. 

Oh, Jesus. Joel moaned. The sensation of her grasping cunt milking his cock almost drove him over the edge, and he couldn’t do that. They hadn’t discussed where Ellie was in her cycle, a gross oversight in a world where the rhythm method was the only available form of birth control. He could _not_ come inside her. He couldn’t risk…

She hadn’t stopped moving on him. She was taking him deeper and deeper, moaning in a way that made him swell painfully from base to tip. He was getting too close. “Ellie, baby, I can’t…” he said, the words falling breathlessly from his lips. “I need to stop or…”

She shook her head. “Don’t stop…don’t stop.” 

Joel was in agony. He needed to be the responsible one. He needed to make Ellie feel as much pleasure as humanly possible. He needed to fuck her. God, he needed to fuck her. “Ellie, I don’t…”

She slammed her hips into his and the last thread of control he possessed broke.

The monster inside him came loose like a dog that had slipped its leash. There was no room any more for thoughts of consequences or her comfort, he was singleminded in his need. His mind went red with desire and he thrust up into her with all his strength, burying his face in her neck and digging his fingers into the round globes of her ass to pull her even closer. 

He vaguely realized that she was raking her fingernails across his shoulders and bucking against him as wildly as he was moving, lost in the throes of her own desire. Sweat dripped from their bodies, slick flesh sliding against slick flesh as he drove himself into her and she took him like she wanted to swallow him whole. 

“Don’t stop, don’t fucking stop, Joel…” Her voice sobbed in his ear. He wondered hazily if he could stop now even if he wanted to. “I’m…I’m going to…” She moaned so sweetly as she came again that Joel went wild. It only took a few thrusts with her cunt still massaging his cock for him to reach his release, a guttural groan ripping from his throat as his cock jerked and semen boiled from his balls with painful force. 

He was still inside her when he came to his senses, holding her sweaty body close and resting his forehead against her while they both tried to catch their breath. 

Ellie’s face stretched into a wide grin. “Fuck me.”

He laughed and kissed the tip of her nose. “Just did, darlin’.”

She giggled as she climbed out of his lap. Joel felt an immense sense of loss as his softening cock slipped out of her. 

It wasn’t until they were collapsed on the bed, lying side by side, that the possible cost of his idiotic lack of control whispered in the back of his mind. 

While Ellie laid her head on his shoulder, he lay still and tense. God, that was fucking stupid. The thought of another child was a new laceration on a wound that had never healed. 

Ellie played idly with his chest hair, then said, “I probably should have let you pull out, huh?”

Joel closed his eyes and wrapped his arm around her. As usual, Ellie saw right to the heart of what was bothering him. “Probably,” he said, his throat tight. He was grateful beyond words that he didn’t need to explain himself to her. 

“Well,” she said, her voice bright, “Don’t have to worry about it. I got my period a few days ago, so the timing’s pretty good. For that sort of thing.”

The painful knot in his chest uncoiled so he could breathe again, but he didn’t reply. He would have to make sure that never happened again. Even as he thought it, he remembered how wild her body had made him and knew how difficult it would be. 

Ellie giggled, already moved on. Unlike him, she was not given to brooding. It was one of the things he loved about her. “Holy shit, why didn’t we do that years ago? Think of all the fucking we’ve missed out on!”

Joel finally relaxed. God, she was amazing, this brave, sexy, beautiful woman. His Ellie. He would never be a man who was worthy of the love he saw in her eyes, but he would sure as hell spend the rest of his life trying to be. He kissed her forehead. “Gimme some time to recover. I’ll try and make up for lost time.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you go, dear readers! Joel is waaaaaaay more in his head about all this than Ellie was, so this scene ended up being about twice as long from his point of view. Not that I thought y'all would mind. But it's not really in Joel's nature to just go with something and enjoy it, so y'know. Thanks again to Wonderkins for suggesting this!

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this to satisfy a request from reader Wonderkins, who liked what I'd done with A Night at the Movies, and wanted to see the entire summer section from Joel's point of view. 
> 
> This story largely incorporates A Night at the Movies, with some changes for continuity, but there was enough new material that it made sense to me to post it as a separate work.


End file.
